Marvel Reviews: Eternals

I made my first trip to a movie theater after two years of staying home to watch the new Eternals movie, so I thought I’d give a quick review.

Eternals

Rating: C-

The Eternals movie seems like a good opportunity to mention a modification I may need to make my movie ranking system. (Full explanation of my ranking system is here.) See, I know a lot of people freak out when I rank a movie as C (Average,) because common opinion is that “average” means “bad”. Or if I rank something as C, it means I didn’t like it.

But actually I kind of like Eternals. I will probably watch it again when it hits the streaming services. I just recognize that it’s not really an important film. It’s competently made. Well, mostly competent. I did have to give it a minus for a couple flaws. But there’s really no reason to either recommend or recommend against seeing it. It’s just a movie.

The flaws are that the film drags in places and lacks enthusiasm in others. Plus, one actor issue I’ll mention later. The film really needs to be short or at least move along quicker.

Further thoughts:

• Too many new main characters for one film, so we really don’t get a feel for any of them.
• Rather than cut some of the characters, I think this really should have been two movies.
  • First movie focuses on the apparent threat from the Deviants and only involves Ajak, Sersi, Ikaris, Sprite, Gilgamesh, and Thena. It ends with Sersi contacting Arishem.
  • Second movie adds Kingo, Druig, Phastos, and Makkari, and explores more about Kro while also switching to the Emergence plotline.
• Splitting it into two movies allows us to explore more about Sersi, who seems to be our POV character in the film, but we really don’t get to know her well enough. All of the characters are treated pretty superficially, and only Sprite, Kingo, Phastos and Thena really stand out.
• Most reviewers, even if they give the movie a thumbs down, say the entire cast does a great job. I have to rewatch the film because I had a very different feeling: I kept thinking the Druig character was a pretty poor performance. Maybe I missed something.

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Avatars and Airbenders (Review)

I of course have been bingewatching a lot of television lately, but most of it is a rewatch. But I recently binged an older series I never watched on its first run: Avatar: The Last Airbender. And then I watched the movie adaptation. Reviews of both below.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

Avatar: The Last Airbender (TV series)

Rating: B to B+

Not only did I miss this on its first run, but I don’t think I was even aware of it. I was an adult with no kids, so I didn’t really keep track of what Nickolodeon was up to. Years later, I occasionally heard the name, but no real details. Then, about a year ago, I heard some good things about the series, but put off watching it until a few weeks ago.

Honestly, it’s pretty damned good. Even for something aimed at kids. It’s about war and morality and trauma, but not heavy-handed at all, and manages to mix in humor without spoiling any of that. In general, it’s a solid B, but there’s a few better episodes in the 2nd and 3rd seasons.

The Last Airbender (movie)

Rating: C-

And then M. Night Shyamalan came along.

I think it was the release of Shyamalan’s movie that first alerted me to the existence of the TV series. I know it was savaged by the fans, but decided notto judge the film on omissions and inaccuracies, other than “big picture” errors. And of course critics were as harsh on this film as they are on most of Shyamalan’s films, but I’ve already seen some really bad Shyamalan films, and about three decent ones. I can give him some leeway.

The Last Airbender finally helped me clarify Shyamalan’s flaws as a director.

First, let’s get the obvious out of the way: Yes, a lot is missing from the movie. It’s a condensed version of the show’s first season, so of course a lot of details had to be cut.

And yes, there were some odd casting choices, but you gotta figure at least some of that was due to studio pressure. Iroh doesn’t feel like Iroh at all.

And also, yes, Shyamalan decided he had to write it himself, with his stilted way of writing dialogue, a preference for “tell, don’t show”, and some weird hobby horses he likes to ride around in every movie. A bad move when adapting someone else’s material.

For example, he likes to do “spiritual” themes, so he decided to ditch the idea of the Avatar preparing for a final battle. The Fire Nation aren’t imperialists! No! They hate the spirits! For some reason! And Aang isn’t destined to fight a final battle! No! He’s got to teach everyone to be spiritual!

Granted, there is an element of spiritual rebirth in the series, and Aang does wish he could find a peaceful solution … but for some reason, Shyamalan thinks Aang is the one who has to learn to be more spiritual and more peaceful, when in the series, it’s the opposite: he learns some things, but he’s more peaceful and spiritual at the beginning than the people who’ve had to live with a hundred years of war.

But we could ignore all that and call the movie a different interpretation of the same story seed, if the movie were good. And… well, it looks pretty good, except in a couple places. And it’s no worse in terms of plot than many other fantasy knock-offs.

But the directing…

Most of the characters feel kinda dull and devoid of personality, especially when compared to the TV show. And it can’t be the acting, because a lot of these actors have done good work elsewhere. It’s got to be the directing, and to a lesser extent the writing. Watching The Last Airbender made me realize this is a recurring feature of M. Night Shyamalan movies that I somehow was always aware of, but couldn’t put into words until now. He likes drab, emotionless characters. Where that makes sense because the character is damaged or despirited in some way – Signs, Unbreakable, and The Sixth Sense – his writing and directing style are actually a plus, and he makes a good movie. Where it doesn’t makes sense, like in The Village, it makes for a kind of blah movie. Where he actually wants a different tone, especially a comedic tone as in The Lady in the Water, the movie feels like a failure.

The Avatar TV series is a potentially dark theme that’s lightened up with a lot of humor and personality. That makes the darkness easier to handle. It’s easy to watch the series and just enjoy it, then think about it later and realize there’s a lot more going on than jokes. The movie, though, has maybe one half of a joke, somewhere? The rest is just dull plodding through a storyline that Shyamalan doesn’t seem to understand except in the most superficial ways.

It’s not a terrible movie. If you’re just watching random garbage on TV anyways, you can probably make it through this one. But just remember: you have to think of it as a cheapo martial arts or direct-to-video fantasy movie, just with a bigger budget and better production values.

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RiffTrax Christmas Review: Santa's Village of Madness

It’s finally Christmas, and here’s my last review of the year for a RiffTrax Christmas movie. Or rather, a bundle of short movies. This, like the previous reviews, can be found on the RiffTrax website.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

Christmas with RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness

Rating: B+

This is not one of RiffTrax’s newer releases, but it is a fitting follow-up to Santa Claus. After K. Gordon Murray purchased and redubbed Santa Claus, he decided “Why not get more use out of that film?” He took clips of that and combined it with other footage he shot in some holiday theme parks to create short films about a wolf, a skunk, and Puss in Boots, all of whom work for Santa. And there’s also a giant who attacks Santa’s village. And other crazy things that make no sense.

Village of Madness is a bundle of three of those films (not sure if they are the only three, or if there were more…) The first film actually uses very little footage from Santa Claus, but you’ll recognize more in the other two films. But there’s still a lot of new footage, all the better to tell an incoherent story!

Favorite Lines:

“The Christmas Wolf with an Ulcer trope is so overdone!”
“So, to recap: Santa’s toys are manufactured at offices that are overseen by a ferocious wolf, and he delivers them all over the universe using a fifth dimension that Merlin discovered.”
“So, this situation couldn’t be handled with a phone call, hunh? Santa had to sniff the moon flower and come to Earth?”
“The Forced Child Labor Factory Song. One of my favorite Christmas hymns!”
“Trademark K. Gordon: Show, don’t tell. And also don’t show.”

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone! I may or may not be posting next week, so I’ll wish everyone Happy New Year as well. Let’s hope for a better 2021!

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RiffTrax Christmas Review: Santa Claus

One more day until Christmas, and here’s another RiffTrax Christmas movie. And I think I hear sleigh bells, kids! All of these can be found on the RiffTrax website.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus

Rating: B+

When I was a kid, I saw Santa Claus in a theater, for reals. Some of you may have seen it, too, either under that name or as Santa Claus vs. The Devil. It’s a Mexican movie that an American producer bought the rights to and then dubbed into English. And yes, The Devil, or rather a devil named Scratch, is sent to Earth on Christmas Eve to stir up trouble for Santa.

Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Trace Beaulieu riffed this back when they were on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Then, as RiffTrax, Mike, Kevin, and Bill Corbett riffed it during a live performance, along with an ACI short, “At Your Fingertips: Sugar and Spice”. Those of you who have seen other shorts in the At Your Fingertips series, riffed or unriffed, know the cheap lunacy you can expect.

The riffing on the main feature, at least at first, is not as good as on the MST3k version, but it’s still pretty funny, plus it’s a much better looking and more complete print. More Merlin! More Keymaker! More dancing!

Favorite Lines:

“Line your garbage with more garbage to make future garbage. It’s the circle of trash!”
“The puppet lovin’ in Act Three makes Team America look like Howdy Doody.”
“Devils in tights breathing nightmares on children. Merry Christmas, everyone!”
“Well, Santa may have to get bizz-zay!”
“Bow down before Blitzen! BOW DOWN!”

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RiffTrax Christmas Review: Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!

Two more days until Christmas, and here’s another RiffTrax Christmas movie. All of these can be found on the RiffTrax website.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

RiffTrax Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!

Rating: A+

How to explain this? Whizzo the Clown was apparently a clown who hosted cartoons on a TV station somewhere in the Midwest. He was popular enough that they either edited clips from a Christmas episode or filmed new material to make a weird movie for regional distribution. And then Mike, Bill, and Kevin found out about it.

But it’s not just that. They start with a short about Christmas trees made by mimes, maybe. It takes a really bizarre turn. I’m not sure, but I think this short is my favorite live-action Christmas short.

The main feature is just … nutso. As the RiffTrax guys describe it, it’s like watching a middle-aged clown having a mid-life crisis on film. Just a constant stream of gibberish while a bunch of kids try to look entertained.

I hope the little girl with tuberculosis got medical attention afterwards.

Favorite Lines:

“I didn’t think our little holiday short would have quite so much sexual weirdness.”
“The closed captions for this movie just say ‘Lucky you’.”
“There’s a rodent controlling him, like Ratatouille, that’s the only explanation.”
“It’s just not Christmas until Mom gets drunk and tries to surf on the cat!”
“Screaming, laughter… at this point, what’s the difference?”

If you like insane obscure crap like this, also try Christmas with RiffTrax featuring Magic Christmas Tree or (around Thanksgiving time) Fun in Balloon Land.

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RiffTrax Christmas Review: Christmas Shorts

Three more days until Christmas, and here’s another RiffTrax Christmas movie. This time, I’m doing some Christmas shorts: the newest ones, and a sprinkling of older ones. All of these can be found on the RiffTrax website.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

The Snowman

Rating: B+

When RiffTrax does an old-timey cartoon, it’s worth a watch. The underlying cartoon is always a weird experience, even without the added mockery.

In this case, the cartoon is about denizens of a polar region who build a snowman, bring it to life with ceremonial magic, and then have to deal with its sudden rampage.

Favorite Lines:

“I’m starting to get a Wicker Man vibe from this!”
“I think this guy was a boss in Cuphead.”

December Holidays

Rating: B

One of those school educational films you saw in grade school for social studies, or whatever they call it now. This teaches you about three December holidays from different parts of the world and how they are exactly the same because people all over the world celebrate December holidays to take their minds off the cold and darkness outside, even in places where it’s not that cold or dark in December!

Favorite Lines:

“The serving tool symbolizes the … the great spatula that is God’s love!”
“Cosplaying Jughead is a treasured family tradition!”

Alias St. Nick

Rating: B+

Another old-timey cartoon, this time about a hungry cat pretending to be Santa so he can eat any mice who don’t believe in Santa.

Word of warning: like evil Mr. Potter in “It’s a Wonderful Life”, the little mouse who doesn’t believe in Santa doesn’t get his come-uppance at the end. How is this even a Christmas cartoon?

Favorite Lines:

(after a skeptic mouse doubts Santa is real) “Merlin does it all with the help of a tongue computer and a skunk!”
“AGH! Santa’s butthole!”

Spunky the Snowman

Rating: B+

Another old-timey cartoon. One could argue that the title would not have meant back then the same thing it means now, but the guys at RiffTrax don’t. The story is similar to Frosty the Snowman, except Spunky is created to deliver mail. Everything that follows is just crazy.

Favorite Lines:

“Wild animals LOVE letters!”
“A snowman sledding is like a human riding through flesh.”
“That’s what Santa’s known for, right? Killing animals with his breath?”

Santa Claus’ Workshop

Rating: B

A live-action short. I think it was a theatrical short, back in the days when movie theaters ran a bunch of shorts and cartoons in addition to the main feature. I mean, it can’t possibly be an educational short, can it? It teaches nothing. Unless it’s meant to explain why most kids don’t get toys: Santa only delivers to one house a year!

Favorite Lines:

“Can’t tell if he’s proud of the toy, or mocking it savagely.”
“And they’ve made enough toys for … two houses.”
“Wait, Mothra sings Christmas carols.”

There are plenty of other Christmas-themed shorts, both animated and not. But if you like shorts, you need to consider:

RiffTrax Live: Christmas Shorts-stravaganza!

Rating: A+

This is a collection of shorts available on DVD or as a digital download, recorded at a live performance. You could get each of the individual shorts separately, but these aren’t the live versions and won’t include a special appearance by Weird Al Yankovic. (The short Al does really has nothing to do with Christmas, but it’s damned funny.)

The other shorts are funny, too, but one cartoon alone makes the whole live performance worth it: a very weird version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Favorite Line:

“WOAH!”

(Sorry, you’ll just have to get it to find out why this is the funniest riff ever, and why it makes you forget all the other quite decent riffs.)

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RiffTrax Christmas Review: It's a Wonderful Life

It’s almost Christmas, and for me lately, that means watching a lot of RiffTrax Christmas movies and short films! All of these can be found on the RiffTrax website.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

It’s a Wonderful Life

Rating: B+

Yes, it’s the Frank Capra film everyone’s seen. Sort of. Because of the weird situation with the copyright on this film, they couldn’t get the rights to stream a riffed version of the entire film. The whole “I wish I had never been born!” moment and the resulting trip to an evil parallel universe is technically a derived work based on a short story that is still under copyright, as are a couple songs used in the original film.

So they cut it out to restore it to a public domain version.

It sounds crazy, but they actually made this work. It’s a solid B riff, but I gave it the B+ because of the audacity of this move. It’s no Star Wars Holiday Special, but it’s definitely worth watching.

Some of my Favorite Lines:

“Their eyes are in their WINGS?!”
“Try not to sound so excited about the abuse, Clarence!”
“You were always best at getting Uncle Billy’s head out when he got it stuck in the pickle barrel!”
“Can’t wait until I escape from this giant house full of servants and REALLY make it big!”
“Hey, remember when Harry smacked the maid on the ass and chased her around?”
“Grab a complimentary office crow!”

Side Note: One thing that strikes me odd about the (unriffed) movie is what a miserable, horrible person George Bailey is. Also, I still find it enraging that Harry Potter, the evil banker, gets away with stealing $8,000, which would be more than $112,000 in today’s money. I know people today steal much higher sums of money, but for several decades around the time that movie was made, there was a big deal about movies showing villains not getting their come-uppance in the end. I’m shocked people accepted this.

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Review Updates

... Or the lack of them, rather. 

I didn't have much to say today about RPGs, and I took a break from watching Star Wars stuff, so instead I'll just mention some things I have previously reviewed that might need updates.

Star Trek: Lower Decks

Did finish the season, not many more laughs than already noted. The rating still stands: only watch if you really have nothing else to do and want new Star Trek.

Star Trek: Discovery

I know the new season started, and I watched one or two episodes, but haven't felt the need to watch more. I'll get around to it eventually.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Did finish the final season. It was one of the better seasons and I'm mostly satisfied with the way that ended. I don't think I'll change the rating of the series as a whole, however. It's a solid B, and that's nothing to sneer at.

Quick TV Series Reviews I

I wanted to take a break from reviewing Star Wars movies, mainly because I haven't just been watching Star Wars movies (or Marvel movies and shows) all these months. I was rewatching shows I've seen at least parts of before. Rather than do a longer review of them, I'll just do a one- or two-sentence review of a couple of them, all in one batch.

Smallville (TV Series)

Rating: B-

Cranked through all ten seasons of this. Not especially fond of DC superheroes, but I think I may like this the best of all the DC shows I've seen. The odd teen soap opera pacing gets a bit annoying, though.

The Flash/Supergirl (TV Series)

Rating: C+

I was showing individual episodes of these two to a friend's kid. They are kind of average, but wonderfully weird at times, so I might go back and binge entire seasons of these.

Not impressed with Arrow, though.

Supernatural Season 15 (TV Series Finale)

Rating: B-

I hadn't gotten around to watching the final two episodes until a couple days ago. I was sort of disappointed with the final season. I did like the way the final battle you expect to happen actually takes place in the second to last episode, leaving the final episode for one last standard monster hunt and a sad but satisfactory ending.

Star Wars I Through Non-Fan Eyes

Since I’m finished watching the middle part of the Star Wars saga (the original trilogy plus Solo and Rogue One, it seems time to go backwards chronologically and do the prequel trilogy, especially since I think I’ve seen at least one character now who technically first appeared in the prequels. I should do them quickly while that experience is still fresh in my mind.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

The Phantom Menace

Rating: C-

I have only seen brief scenes from The Phantom Menace, never all the way through without distractions. So I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. Yeah, I’d heard older fans hate it, but I’m trying not to let their feelings affect my experience, same as I didn’t let their love for the original trilogy affect my experience. Plus, I kind of suspected that it wasn’t really bad, just average. Mediocre. Which many people interpret as bad, because they can only have extremes, no middle ground.

I was partly right, but a smidge wrong.

It’s definitely average, C-tier material. So not bad, but not good, either. Something that can be enjoyable if you just have some time to kill, or if it scratches some itch, like if you’re a big fan of Star Wars in general or one of the actors. Not something you ought to watch, if you’re on the fence.

But it does have some bad points. Not sure whether to include the dullness of the trade negotiations opening as a failure or just typical of C-tier plots in general, but getting from there to the actual plot (invasion, escape from invaders, need to repair ship to get back and defeat the invaders) takes forever, as does the introduction of what supposed to be a central character and … hero? And there are a couple examples of Chekov’s Gun violations, where something is mentioned (like Jar Jar’s clumsiness) and it never really impacts anything later, so why did they bother bringing it up?

Speaking of Jar Jar: yeah, he’s an annoying character, but I’ve already said I’m ignoring puppet and CGI aliens because I find them all annoying, so I’m assuming it’s a matter of taste. But one thing about Jar Jar’s annoying features that does stand out: he’s constantly doing sight gags in the background while serious things are going on in the foreground. You can do that if your intention is to deflate the seriousness and make fun of it, but none of Jar Jar’s antics ever seem to impact anyone else, nor do serious characters react to his antics. It’s as if two different movies are being filmed simultaneously on the same set without interaction.

And it turns out to be more than just the slapstick aliens. There are several moments in the film where things just happen by accident, for example Anakin’s role in the attack on the Trade Federation’s fleet. It’s not like Anakin said “I’m just a kid, and don’t know about fighting in space, and Qui-Gon Jinn told me to stay put, but I have this feeling in my gut that I should do something.” No, instead, everything he does accidentally helps his friends without him wanting to help, or being aware that he helped. The Force went from “the hidden connections between all living things in the universe” to “the laws of cartoon physics”.

The Star Wars Universe has become the Toon universe.

So, The Phantom Menace gets a mark-down for being poorly assembled, even though they were somehow technically competent while assembling it.

Next Up: No surprises here. We’re moving on to the clones.

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Star Wars VI Through Non-Fan Eyes

In my quest to watch or rewatch the Star Wars movies and give them more attention and a second chance, I had already decided the so-called machete order was off the table, since it’s not just a reordering but an editing, removing one movie because true fans didn’t like it. But since I’ve never been an actual fan, it would be a pre-judgment on my part to accept what fans say about the quality of that movie, and thus goes completely against the spirit of what I’m doing here.

But I almost (almost!) went with watching the prequel trilogy before moving on to Return of the Jedi, on the same theory I had for watching Solo before continuing with The Empire Strikes Back: it might fill in more backstory for a couple characters. I decided against it, planning to keep the order simple: Jedi first, then the prequel trilogy.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

Return of the Jedi

Rating: B-

The third movie in the original trilogy starts out at a reasonable pace, with the exception of a musical number that not only interrupts the flow but also feels jarring compared to the tone of Empire or even A New Hope. But again, things sag at about a third of the way into the film. That gets me wondering about some things, but I’ll put that out of mind for now and deal with it later.

Since I’ve commented more than once about not liking many of the alien designs in the movies, especially when they are very cutesy or muppet-y, you’d imagine that I’d have strong opinions about the Ewoks. But just like the previous alien designs, I ignored my dislike for the way the Ewoks look and tried to think about whether they serve a purpose. They seem to represent a contrast to Luke, their message being: You don’t have to be a Jedi or a phenomenal bad-ass to stand against tyranny, because look at these little guys with primitive technology, they fight, too, and even make a difference. I’m not entirely convinced this was presented effectively. But again, I’ll reserve judgment until later.

As for the climax of the story: Not only does the whole “blow up the Death Star again, just like the first movie” seem like lazy writing, but the whole thing Just. Goes. On. Forever. Lots of nameless people dying in space and then finally stuff blows up. And small things, like Han and Lando having a pointed exchange about not getting the Millennium Falcon damaged, never actually matter later. There must be some principle equivalent to “Chekov’s Gun” for trivial dialogue that seems to set up a later scene, and whatever that’s called, this movie violates it.

So on the whole, I think this is still a B-tier movie, but it has more flaws than Empire and is clearly not as good.

Next Up: Time to go back again…

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Star Wars Holiday Specials Through Non-Fan Eyes

I’m about a third of the way through reviewing the Star Wars movies as a non-Star Wars fan. Since it’s Thanksgiving, the start of the holiday season, and since Wookie Life Day was last week, it seems like a good time to take a break and review the Star Wars Holiday Specials.

Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as it sounds. There are two of them.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

Star Wars Holiday Special (RiffTrax)

Rating: D
RiffTrax Rating: A

I did not see the Holiday Special when it first aired. Or maybe I saw a few minutes while switching channels. I’m not sure. I only know that I didn’t deliberately look for it, because I hadn’t seen Star Wars yet and wasn’t entirely interested.

But I did see the special in a fully-mocked RiffTrax version. I’ve watched it a couple times now, and I’ve tried to interpret what it would be like, as a fan, to eagerly tune in and see … that thing. It’s very bad. Recently, Frank Conniff (I think it was him) mentioned that it almost killed Star Wars, but definitely killed TV variety shows for a couple decades. I saw a number of variety shows before that special aired, and they got worse over time, but I don’t think I’ve seen a variety show done that badly before. And the cartoon in the middle? I know there are some Star Wars fans who claim that’s the only good part of the special, because it introduces Boba Fett, but really, it’s only “good” by comparison. It’s really poorly written and the story makes no sense.

So why have I watched this a couple times? It’s not because I enjoy the cruelty it must have inflicted on the fans. I feel very sorry for what they had to go through. No, I watch the RiffTrax version because the riffing is enormously funny. I saw this for free via a YouTube video someone uploaded without authorization, and then, THEN, I paid for my own copy, so I can have it all to myself. And that copy is now a better video tape transfer than before, so it was worth it.

The tape the RiffTrax crew used includes the commercials that originally ran in one geographical area, which lends a certain additional comic value, as does weird moments in the show itself, such as Chewbacca’s family making futuristic communications on what looks like a TRS-80 Model III. or an Imperial Officer watching Jefferson Starship perform a cheesy '70s song on a video screen.

Favorite lines (only a few of many!):

“Santa’s death armada!”
“It’s a unique idea, watching a farm animal open a present.”
“How come they haven;t made a Pujols candy bar yet?”
“[R2D2] actually said ‘I find Boba Fett’s popularity as inexplicable as Nickelback’s!’”
“It’s like an entire band of Paul Shaffers!”
“This has got to be how the Heaven’s Gate crowd envisioned their final moments going down.”

LEGO Star Wars Holiday Special

Rating: C+

I’ve seen the first LEGO Movie, and the LEGO Batman movie, and enjoyed both, so I was looking forward to the new for 2020 LEGO Star Wars Holiday Special. I figured it might be as good.

First impression: Man, I guess I should have watched everything else, ever, before watching this. It has references to a couple movies I haven’t watched yet.

Second Impression: It’s supposed to be a comedy. Although it’s better than the Star Trek: Lower Decks “comedy”, it reminds me a little of that: not the same rapid short-attention span delivery, but it’s not laugh-out-loud funny, just amusing and in a couple places I did actually chuckle. Certainly, the big battle between Darth Vader and… well, I won’t spoil it. Because although in general I think it’s only C-tier, the extreme fans of Star Wars who are familiar with many corners of the universe will probably enjoy it quite a bit. So, I recommend it to them and to people with kids who like Star Wars. It’s a pretty well-made special, even if only a little better than average.

(And yes, it’s connected to the original holiday special, not only because it’s about Life Day, but also because Chewbacca’s family from the original show up. No Bea Arthur or Harvey Korman, though.)

Next Up: Not completely decided on this yet. I’ll decide by next week.

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Star Wars V Through Non-Fan Eyes

I, someone who’s never been that into Star Wars, have been watching or rewatching all the major movies to give them another chance and try to understand them more. So far, I reviewed Star Wars IV: A New Hope (pretty good,) Rogue One (average,) and Solo (slightly above average.) Now it’s time to rejoin the story of the original trilogy.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

The Empire Strikes Back

Rating: B

In a way, this movie should be better than A New Hope, because it’s not as flippant and breezy as the first, plus Lucas would have a chance to see what didn’t work in the first and could tweak the material to make it better. Part V is certainly more serious and has what feels like a greater level of threat, without being too serious or full of itself. The humor is sprinkled throughout the film to keep it from getting too dark. There’s also moments with greater visual or emotional impact than Rogue One or Solo, making it clearly better than either of those films.

However, the movie starts to drag predictably around the 40 to 50% mark. The scenes sometimes seem to miss cohesiveness in places, making it more obvious that some scenes were added for reasons that had nothing to do with the plot, but more to do with formula and design by committee. And although Han and Leia’s romance was set up in A New Hope and I was expecting it to continue, I thought the dialogue would be better or at least marginally convincing to support it. It feels forced, cliché.

And let’s not forget Yoda. I don’t much like him. It’s true I have a prejudice against obvious muppets in semi-serious movies, but I gave the muppetish aliens in Part IV a pass, so I should give Yoda’s appearance a pass as well, for the same reasons. But Yoda;s character, as written, is just unconvincing as a wise master, and his philosophy doesn’t even pretend to be deep. I don’t feel like Luke learned anything of importance from Yoda that he couldn’t have learned from talking to a couple older ordinary people.

So, although Empire is clearly B-tier, I feel it’s not quite as good as A New Hope. It does leave us with a good cliffhanger, though.

Next Up: Another brief detour, just for fun.

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Solo: A Star Wars Story Through Non-Fan Eyes

So far on my quest to give the Star Wars saga a second chance and attempt to understand why fans love it so much, I’ve reviewed the original movie, then back tracked a little to review Rogue One, which technically happens immediately before A New Hope but works better, or as best as can be expected, when watched immediately after it. And now, I’m doing another flashback before I continue the original trilogy.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

Solo: A Star Wars Story

Rating: C+

I was at first planning to continue on with The Empire Strikes Back, but decided from what little I knew about Solo that I should do it next. This is because the best place to look at Han Solo’s backstory seemed to me to be very soon after he’s introduced and is still fresh in our minds, but before we explore more of his future. Seeing who he once was may shed a light on what he does later.

Whether that worked or not, I’ll decide later, after I’ve watched a few more films.

As far as this film, though, it moves at a pretty good clip for most of the movie, but gets kind of draggy in the middle. In case anyone was wondering, the way I decide how sluggish or tedious a movie is, is to wait until I ask myself “How much more of this do I have to sit through?” This happened for Solo at the 40-minute mark and again at the halfway mark, but didn’t feel that way at all at the 30-minute mark.

What was noticeable at the beginning, though, was that most of the shots were shadowy or hazy. Not a very good look, visually. But even when the film switched to brighter scenes with more color, none of the shots were all that memorable, except maybe the train heist and the Kessel run… and that, unfortunately, didn’t look like space. A very bad thing to happen in a space movie.

On the upside, despite the movie’s focus on lowlifes and antiheroes, it had a bit more humor and spirit in places than Rogue One. It also didn’t seem to have as many awkward references to other Star Wars elements; references were certainly there, but they seem to be worked into the story better and not just fan service. I decided that the high points were more than enough to make up for the draggy bits and so-so visuals, making the movie slightly above average.

Next Up: OK, back to the main story…

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Rogue One Through Non-Fan Eyes

Previously, I reviewed Star Wars IV: A New Hope and decided it was a pretty good movie, even for a non-fan like me. Rather than go in either production order or chronological order, I chose Rogue One as my next film to watch.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Rating: C

The reason why I went to Rogue One before continuing onto the next film in the original trilogy is that this film comes chronologically before A New Hope and probably has more impact if the two are seen close together, rather than with a lot of intervening films. However, I’ve seen it before, and I remember it being on the grimdark, downer side, thematically. It’s better to open on an upbeat, adventurous note with A New Hope and then do a brief rewind to see the sacrifices made before A New Hope begins.

That was a good call, but there was something I didn’t expect. I didn’t remember much detail from the first time I saw Rogue One, but I remember liking it well enough, not really seeing much difference, aside from tone, from the original movie. Based on foggy memories, I was expecting to rate it a B, maybe plus or minus. But rewatching it? Nah, it’s just a very average C movie.

The problems that keep it from rising to the level of “good movie, would recommend” mostly revolve around too much plot clutter and tedious stretches of action. For a good part of the first act, it’s not entirely clear what the movie’s going to be about, who is on the screen, and why we should care. Eventually, we figure out Jyn Erso is the main character, and the story is about reuniting with her father, with the complication that he may be on the side of the Empire, and she’s not sure which side she’s really on.

The problem is, the movie is at least half an hour longer than it needs to be, because it has an overly long, overly complicated final act about getting the Death Star plans. There’s a lot of “Get the thing and put it in the thing so we can do the thing, but these other guys have to get the other thing and move it to the third thing or we can’t do our thing, but when we try to do that, we find out we have to do yet another thing, which means we need a different thing, and then this thing happens…” and so on. It’s all kind of contrived, with way too many characters, most of which we don’t know, but we’re supposed to care about them, and they all have to be there because there needs to be a big fight that’s bigger than the one at the end of the original Star Wars movie or any of the other movies.

It’s movie design by formula, which will only get you so far.

So, although I still disagree with the fans who think this movie is terrible, I can’t agree with other fans that it’s pretty good. It’s just average. If you need a steady fix of Star Wars, this will do it for you, but it’s nothing you need to see.

Next Up: I still don’t go where you’d expect.

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Star Wars IV Through Non-Fan Eyes

Now that I’m done with the Marvel Cinematic Universe reviews (except for a few more surprises…) it’s time to move on. A while ago, I promised I would give the Star Wars series another go, and give it a fair chance this time.

I was never a Star Wars fan, and skipped several of the movies for this reason. However, I realize how huge the series is for many people, and I want to give it more attention, watching it alone without distractions, in an attempt to see what makes it feel special. I also want to watch the movies that the fans don’t love all that much, as a non-fan, to see if they are really so bad.

So I’m going through it one movie at a time, in a somewhat unusual order I think will work best. I decided that I’m not going to go in either chronological order or production order, and certainly not machete order, skipping the supposed “bad” films. All the live-action theatrical films will get their chance, and I’m going with a modified production order with some movies shuffled to other locations based on how I think they will affect the way the sequence feels.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

I’m starting with…

Star Wars IV: A New Hope

Rating: B+

When I first saw this, I thought “OK, reasonably good movie. Didn’t hate it.” I might have given it a C+ back then: not something I’d pay for to watch alone, but entertaining enough and maybe fun to watch with friends.

Watching it again, alone, and focusing on how it’s made and its emotional impact, I think it’s a better movie than I gave it credit. I don’t think it’s an A-tier movie, because in a way it’s too breezy, not really dwelling for long on anything or exploring what the characters feel, although there is a brief emotional moment or two. It’s at least B-tier, though, a movie worth recommending. It moves at a pretty steady pace with just tiny moments where the pace changes for effect.

I gave the movie a B+ instead of just a B because I recognize how influential this movie turned out to be. It should get a slightly stronger recommendation. I considered marking the grade down because I don’t like the design of some of the aliens, mainly in the cantina scene. I decided that (1) That’s a personal preference, not inherently bad, and (2) It happens only in a few short scenes.

(I did see the film before Lucas went back and digitally enhanced it, but watching it now, I’m actually OK with the CGI Jabba. I know that’s an unpopular opinion, but I imagine I’ll have a few unpopular opinions as I work through the series.)

Side Note 1: I was surprised that Darth Vader turned out not to be the main threat in the film. I tried not to think about what I know about the rest of Star Wars, but I still had this impression of Vader as the person in charge, the hand of the Emperor himself. But no, he’s not in charge, just a really powerful subordinate. He didn’t design the Death Star, doesn’t seem to have a high opinion of its usefulness, didn’t order the destruction of Alderaan, and seems a tad reluctant when carrying out some of Peter Cushing’s plans.

Side Note 2: At one point, Vader says Obi-Wan doesn’t plan to escape. Ironically, that was his original plan. Obi-Wan has no idea that Leia is on board or that Luke decides to save her. He doesn’t change his plan until after he disables the tractor beam and encounters Vader.

Side Note 3: I know Stormtroopers are the butt of many jokes because of their marksmanship, but really, in this movie, the heroes are hardly any better. They hit a tiny bit more, but not much.

Next Up: I’m heading a different direction than you’d expect.

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Marvel Reviews: Helstrom

Last month, a new Hulu streaming series tied to the Marvel Cinematic Universe was released, the first new Marvel content in a long time. I didn’t get a chance to watch it when it was released, because I was still finishing up the movies. But now that I have the time…

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

Helstrom

Rating: B-

This series was meant to be part of a more horror-oriented offshoot of the MCU, along with a Ghost Rider series that has since been cancelled. I’m guessing it’s also going to be the last Hulu MCU series, because of office politics at Disney. So, Helstrom is not related to the other Hulu MCU series (Runaways) or to Cloak & Dagger. It’s also pretty much cut off from the rest of the MCU. with the only tie-in (again) being Roxxon… or, at least, the Internet claims they mentioned Roxxon, but I certainly didn’t spot the reference.

The Helstroms are fighting demons, both literal and metaporical, while uncovering truths about their family’s past and repairing their relationships. That’s about as much as I can say without spoiling anything. The feel of the series is close to a superserious horror film, or to Supernatural or Buffy the Vampire Slayer during one of their bleak and depressing moments. Imagine taking one of those shows, removing almost all the humor and the “monster of the week”, and just focusing on a single story for ten episodes.

It’s… good, but slow. Especially the fourth or fifth episode, when they suddenly realized "Hey, we forgot to explain the backstory. And there’s nothing surprising about the last few episodes. I think the series might have been better if there were two or three episodes with their own story. Not quite “monster of the week”, not quite "one conflict stretched out over ten episodes, but something in between.

On the plus side, once I realized Daimon Helstrom was the character I remembered as Son of Satan and remembered how ridiculous his costume was, I was glad this show depicts him more naturally, sort of like a John Constantine rather than a bare chest and spandex kind of guy armed with a pitchfork. Although there are hints of that near the end.

I had a tough time deciding if this was an average show with some standout moments that raise it above a C, or a better-quality show hampered by streaming series production values and a very cliché approach to the story. Eventually, I settled on the B- side, but keep in mind how close a call it was before deciding to watch it.

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Marvel Reviews: MCU Teen Shows

In addition to ABC and Netflix, Marvel did a couple other MCU series aimed at a younger audience: one on Hulu, one on the Freeform cable network. I think hardly anyone has seen this, since there’s been nowhere near as much promotion as for the Netflix shows.

I don’t think my reviews are going to change that.

(There’s also a second series on Hulu that was just released last month, Helstrom, but as far as I know, that’s not related in theme or target audience to these two. I haven’t seen it yet, but will be reviewing it later.)

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

Runaways

Rating: C+

Marvel’s Runaways is a streaming service show, only available on Hulu, which explains why no one has seen it. It’s about a group of teens, some with powers, some with gadgets, who run away when they discover their parents are up to some horrible crap and are, basically, crime bosses. This is mostly intended to appeal to people who like YA rebel stories, like The Hunger Games, Divergent, Mazerunner, or Mortal Engines.

My main thought during the entire first season was “When do these kids actually run away?” Because SPOILERS, they don’t run away until the very last scene of the very last episode of the first season. And they really should have run away earlier, not just because it’s part of the title, or even because what’s actually going on around them is so terrible. You basically only need one episode to set up the conflict between the parents and one or two episodes where some of the kids still need convincing. Everything else could be handled after the kids run away. It would have been far more tense and the pace would have been much faster if the show had been done that way.

It’s not a bad show, just average, but there are a couple good scenes in there. And, unlike the Netflix shows, there’s more superpowers and superscience. There’s even less tie-in to the rest of the MCU, though, except for some cross-over episodes in Season Three with Cloak & Dagger. It’s mostly just a couple corporate names, like Roxxon. If you watched this without knowing every tiny bit of MCU trivia, you wouldn’t even know it’s a Marvel story. There is a possible tiny hint of a connection to Doctor Strange in the third season, just based on some Strange-style magic being cast.

Cloak & Dagger

Rating: C

Unlike the Runaways, I had actually heard of Cloak & Dagger because they shared Strange Tales vol. 2 with Doctor Strange. The only stories I remember, though, were “Cloak meets Dazzler” and “Dagger meets Black Cat”. It’s basically another teen-oriented show, although less about rebellion or even love, more about growing up.

Cloak & Dagger suffers from the same disease as Runaways and the Netflix shows: very slow plot development, very slow mastery of their powers. I didn’t really feel anything stood out as higher quality in the series, although I did like the second season a little more than the first. Again, the only tie-ins to the rest of the MCU are miscellaneous names like Roxxon. There isn’t even a tie-in to Runaways; I think one was planned, but the series was cancelled before they got to that point.

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Marvel Reviews: MCU Netflix Shows

Soon after Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. debuted, Netflix got the rights to do their own Marvel hero shows. But as I mentioned at the start of the reviews for the broadcast TV shows, there’s a distinct difference in quality and approach between the ABC shows and the Netflix shows. Still, some of them are worth watching at least a couple seasons, so I’ll review them.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

Daredevil

Rating: B-

One thing you are going to notice about the Netflix shows is that they are very “punchy”. OK, that’s not entirely true… there’s a lot of kicking, too, and even some knives and guns. The enemies are almost all just ordinary criminals. It gives the Netflix shows a much more mundane feel than even the Captain America movies.

Daredevil is probably the punchiest and kickiest of them all. Yes, even including Iron Fist. It’s not that bad in the first season, though, so you might want to consider watching just that. If you findo out you enjoy it and decide to continue, you will probably want to watch The Defenders before watching Season 3 of Daredevil, although you can get by without watching anything else.

One other thing to note about the Netflix shows is that for some reason Netflix said “We really want to be part of this huge MCU craze, but we don’t want our heroes and their world to interact with the rest of the MCU very much, if at all.” There are casual mentions of a couple things that happen in the movies, but really nothing in the movies impacts what happens in any Netflix series, although they do interact with each other.

A lot of people are going to blame the death of the Netflix branch on the quality of specific shows, or Netflix’s typical lack of commitment beyond two or three seasons, or on Marvel’s behind-the-scenes changes. But really, shouldn’t the primary blame be that one, really dumb decision right at the beginning?

Jessica Jones

Rating: B+

This series is probably the best of the Netflix shows simply because of its attitude. Jessica Jones is so different from any other MCU hero because she’s so bitter and just plain ticked off about everything and really doesn’t like the fact she has powers, but she keeps using them anyways. The first season villain is also the most interesting of all the Netflix villains, although Kingpin from Daredevil is well done, too.

Later seasons of Jessica Jones aren’t as good, although they may still be worth it for a couple bright moments.

Luke Cage

Rating: B+

The first season of Luke Cage is probably my second favorite, after Season 1 of Jessica Jones. Again, it’s because of attitude. Neither Jessica nor Luke use an alias or hide their identity, but Luke also doesn’t hide much of what he’s doing. Everyone in Harlem knows who he is, where he is, and what he’s doing by at least Episode 4, but they keep the cops and anyone outside of Harlem out of it, either because they want to deal with Luke themselves or approve of what he’s doing.

After the first season, though, the show loses some of its specialness. I don’t think they really had a good idea what to do with the character after that, other than have him suffer angst. The storytelling suffered from that point on.

Iron Fist

Rating: C

Lots of people complain about Danny being a whiner. I suppose he whines a bit after the first episode, although I think the dull story is a bigger reason to dislike this show more than the others.

But the biggest problem with Iron Fist, as well as the other Netflix shows, is the fact that it’s designed like a Netflix show. Netflix knows people like to binge watch, so their “originals” are designed to maximize bingeing, by which I mean that the plot is strrrrrrretched out enormously. Everything moves horribly slowly, and most episodes are basically one to three good moments padded out with a lot of dullness. Daredevil gets away with this a bit because he has a really well-done internal conflict. Jessica Jones and Luke Cage get away with it because they have entertaining characters. But Danny isn’t very deep – ironic, considering all the mystical martial arts trappings – and he’s not entertaining. You don’t enjoy watching him react to what’s going on in the world, so you start to notice how dull the plot seems.

The Defenders

Rating: C

When I first heard the Defenders was going to be in the MCU, I thought “Great! That means they are also going to bring in Valkyrie! And Doctor Strange will have more than just one movie!”

Some of you are going “Hunh?” But others can see what the problem is going to be.

The first Defenders comic was about a loose team of heroes and/or supermisfits, mostly supernatural-themed like Son of Satan or Doctor Strange, but with other outcast heroes that didn’t fit in elsewhere, like occasionally the Hulk (post Avengers) or Valkyrie. I had an issue as a kid. I bought it because it had The Thing as a guest star and Doc Strange on the cover. I never learned much about them, but liked it and wanted to see more.

Apparently there was another Defenders team later that was just an all-punchy, gritty crimefighting team. And this is what they were actually planning: a crossover series for their punchiest, grittiest heroes.

It’s really not that interesting a story, but not terrible, either. Just average. Only one thing of any importance happens, which is why you probably don’t want to watch this before you’ve watched two seasons of Daredevil and the first season of each of the other shows listed above.

The Punisher

Rating: C

I really don’t like the Punisher. Haven’t since I first saw him in some Spider-Man crossover with… Moon-Knight? Daredevil? I don’t even remember. I just remember the comic had the blurb “And PUNISHER Makes Three!”

Obviously, part of my dislike is because he’s a more action-oriented character, with no powers, fighting other people with no powers. He’s not even a hero, he’s an anti-hero. The dark and brooding, violent loner, back before that archetype was everywhere in action hero and superhero country. I’ve suggested before that I have problems with some of the implications of superheroes, and The Punisher basically takes those implications and makes them explicit. He’s a guy who murders anyone he thinks is bad, and we’re supposed to admire him for some reason.

Still, although I didn’t see anything special about Season 1 of the streaming series, I didn’t find anything bad about it, either, other than the usual Netflix dull, draggy presentation style. It’s average. I never watched Season 2, because I figured it was just going to be more of the same: I already didn’t like the character, didn’t enjoy his story so far, and didn’t like the way Netflix designs shows for bingeing instead of savoring, so why would I put myself through more of that?

My recommendation is that if you like shooty, broody, anti-heroes, try out Daredevil Season 2 to find out if you like their version of Frank Castle, then try Season 1 of The Punisher, and proceed on to Season 2 if you feel satisfied. But if you’re just looking for Marvel material, you can probably skip this.

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Essential Marvel Cinematic Universe Watch List

Some people probably don’t want to read all my reviews of the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies. They just want a list of what’s essential, so they can get the gist of the entire scope and story, or fill in gaps in what they’ve seen with only the best parts.

In the list below, I’ve only counted A- or A movies plus a handful of B-/B grade movies that tell important parts of the story. You can in theory skip all the movies below A- except Avengers: Infinity War if you want to keep things short.

(In a sense, this list is a spoiler, not for the MCU storyline itself, but for ratings in reviews I haven’t posted yet. But the streaming shows and cable shows don’t really interact much with the movies, so they wouldn’t be essential, anyways.)

1. Captain America: The First Avenger (B)
2. The Avengers (B-)
3. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 1 (A-)
4. Ant-Man (A)
5. Captain America: Civil War (B-)
6. Doctor Strange (A-)
7. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (A-)
8. Spider-Man: Homecoming (A)
9. Thor: Ragnarok (A)
10. Ant-Man and the Wasp(A)
11. Avengers: Infinity War (B)
12. Avengers: Endgame (A-)
13. Spider-Man: Far From Home (A)

This is mostly in chronological order, except #10 and #11, which kind of happen simultaneously. I think for people who haven’t seen anything after Thor: Ragnarok, the story is much more effective if Ant-Man and the Wasp comes next, before Avengers: Infinity War.

If you want to fill in just a few more pieces of the story, add:

1. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Season 1 (after the first two movies)
2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (before #5)
3. Avengers: Age of Ultron (before #9)

Anything else is up to your individual tastes. It might even be worthwhile to save the other movies until after you’ve gone through these essentials. You’ll get enough samples of other characters that you can track down just the heroes that sparked your interest.

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