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Friday, July 15, 2011

Short Shameful Review: Yeti

This Short Shameful Review of a D&D monster seems to have been the second one I wrote, appearing June 13th, 2003. In case you're wondering why I reposted these out of order, it's because some were easier to track down: the Bulette, Beholder and Goo reviews were reposted to RPGNet and ENWorld by Hong Ooi and Stephen Lea Shepherd, so they popped up first in my searches. In contrast, the Cube and Yeti reviews were buried in the Usenet archives, which Google has made less reliable lately.

So here is "Short Shameful Review: Yeti".

Today I killed a gelatinous cube, then I was killed by a yeti. Kerri laughed at this, but she doesn't really understand what it's like to be killed by a yeti. IT HURTS! Plus, that left my kitten with no one to take care of it.

But anyways, since I wrote about gelatinous cubes last time, I figured I'd write about yeti this time. Naturally, TSR did not invent the yeti, or at least I *hope* they didn't... Although perhaps all unusual and fortean phenomena can be explained by a conspiracy of wannabe fantasy writers. The Dungeons & Dragons take on the yeti is that it's a big white hairy primate that frightens people with its eyes and radiates cold. YES, THAT'S RIGHT, RADIATES COLD! Or, at least, it radiates cold as written up in the Monster Manual. Dragon Magazine #127 has one of those "Ecology of ..." articles written by someone who was frightened by the weird physics of a cold aura and decided to explain: you see, the yeti has a much lower body temperature than a human being, so he SUCKS THE WARMTH RIGHT OUT OF YOU!

I think they should have stuck to the cold aura.

The article goes on to describe how you can build a giant radiator fence to keep yeti out of your garden. Oh, and also, it mentions that yeti have glowing crystaline eyes. sounds like a monster Doctor Who would fight! (Waitasec, I think he did! And didn't it turn out to be a robot? WHY ARE THERE NO ROBOYETI IN DUNGEONS & DRAGONS?)

Actually, most of the article is pointless banter explaining the feelings of a burly fighter for his friend the sage, the two of which apparently have known each other since childhood. Why this matters, I don't know; I'm just thankful it didn't turn into slash fiction.

But back to the yeti's gaze of fear: the article helpfully notes that a yeti's frightening gaze doesn't work "against creatures which are normally immune to fear of any sort, including cavaliers, most undead, and generally mindless creatures." Now, I can see why shouting "CARPE DIEM" and slamming back fortified wine would probably lower a person's susceptibility to fear. I can also see why braneless creatures might not be impressed. But I'm wondering about the undead. MOST undead are immune to a yeti's frightening gaze, but apparently, some AREN'T. I am picturing something like this:

[ A ZOMBIE shuffles onscreen from stage right; as it reaches center stage, a furry YETI bound from stage left and blocks the ZOMBIE'S progress. the YETI roars. ]

ZOMBIE: Braaaaaaaaaanes...

YETI: RAAAAAWER! I am a burly primate who can't take the heat, so I stay out of the kitchen!

ZOMBIE: Braaaaaanes?

(Translation: I am a completely unnatural creature, a thing that should not be!)

[ YETI gets a really mean look and crosses its eyes. ZOMBIE screams and shuffles away in fear. the YETI smirks. ]

YETI: Stupid zombie! I have no branes! I am furry!

[ The YETI is eaten by a gelatinous cube. A CAVALIER bounds on stage. he is dressed like Captain Morgan. ]

CAVALIER: What ho, eh what? Errr, I mean, ARRRR! i'Faith I be a rollickin' cavalier! Ye willna catch me scamperin' away from ye yeti! ARRRRR! NOT WHILST I BE HAMMERED WIT YE GROG!

... So any ways, yetis are pretty bad-ass, at least at the lower levels, but they make excellent pets. You just need one of those radio torture collars like they use on dogs, except it would be a tiny heating collar instead.

And remember to remain drunk.

1 comment:

  1. I think your parting advice is the best all-purpose advice anybody's ever given.