Star Wars I Through Non-Fan Eyes

Since I’m finished watching the middle part of the Star Wars saga (the original trilogy plus Solo and Rogue One, it seems time to go backwards chronologically and do the prequel trilogy, especially since I think I’ve seen at least one character now who technically first appeared in the prequels. I should do them quickly while that experience is still fresh in my mind.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

The Phantom Menace

Rating: C-

I have only seen brief scenes from The Phantom Menace, never all the way through without distractions. So I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. Yeah, I’d heard older fans hate it, but I’m trying not to let their feelings affect my experience, same as I didn’t let their love for the original trilogy affect my experience. Plus, I kind of suspected that it wasn’t really bad, just average. Mediocre. Which many people interpret as bad, because they can only have extremes, no middle ground.

I was partly right, but a smidge wrong.

It’s definitely average, C-tier material. So not bad, but not good, either. Something that can be enjoyable if you just have some time to kill, or if it scratches some itch, like if you’re a big fan of Star Wars in general or one of the actors. Not something you ought to watch, if you’re on the fence.

But it does have some bad points. Not sure whether to include the dullness of the trade negotiations opening as a failure or just typical of C-tier plots in general, but getting from there to the actual plot (invasion, escape from invaders, need to repair ship to get back and defeat the invaders) takes forever, as does the introduction of what supposed to be a central character and … hero? And there are a couple examples of Chekov’s Gun violations, where something is mentioned (like Jar Jar’s clumsiness) and it never really impacts anything later, so why did they bother bringing it up?

Speaking of Jar Jar: yeah, he’s an annoying character, but I’ve already said I’m ignoring puppet and CGI aliens because I find them all annoying, so I’m assuming it’s a matter of taste. But one thing about Jar Jar’s annoying features that does stand out: he’s constantly doing sight gags in the background while serious things are going on in the foreground. You can do that if your intention is to deflate the seriousness and make fun of it, but none of Jar Jar’s antics ever seem to impact anyone else, nor do serious characters react to his antics. It’s as if two different movies are being filmed simultaneously on the same set without interaction.

And it turns out to be more than just the slapstick aliens. There are several moments in the film where things just happen by accident, for example Anakin’s role in the attack on the Trade Federation’s fleet. It’s not like Anakin said “I’m just a kid, and don’t know about fighting in space, and Qui-Gon Jinn told me to stay put, but I have this feeling in my gut that I should do something.” No, instead, everything he does accidentally helps his friends without him wanting to help, or being aware that he helped. The Force went from “the hidden connections between all living things in the universe” to “the laws of cartoon physics”.

The Star Wars Universe has become the Toon universe.

So, The Phantom Menace gets a mark-down for being poorly assembled, even though they were somehow technically competent while assembling it.

Next Up: No surprises here. We’re moving on to the clones.

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Star Wars VI Through Non-Fan Eyes

In my quest to watch or rewatch the Star Wars movies and give them more attention and a second chance, I had already decided the so-called machete order was off the table, since it’s not just a reordering but an editing, removing one movie because true fans didn’t like it. But since I’ve never been an actual fan, it would be a pre-judgment on my part to accept what fans say about the quality of that movie, and thus goes completely against the spirit of what I’m doing here.

But I almost (almost!) went with watching the prequel trilogy before moving on to Return of the Jedi, on the same theory I had for watching Solo before continuing with The Empire Strikes Back: it might fill in more backstory for a couple characters. I decided against it, planning to keep the order simple: Jedi first, then the prequel trilogy.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

Return of the Jedi

Rating: B-

The third movie in the original trilogy starts out at a reasonable pace, with the exception of a musical number that not only interrupts the flow but also feels jarring compared to the tone of Empire or even A New Hope. But again, things sag at about a third of the way into the film. That gets me wondering about some things, but I’ll put that out of mind for now and deal with it later.

Since I’ve commented more than once about not liking many of the alien designs in the movies, especially when they are very cutesy or muppet-y, you’d imagine that I’d have strong opinions about the Ewoks. But just like the previous alien designs, I ignored my dislike for the way the Ewoks look and tried to think about whether they serve a purpose. They seem to represent a contrast to Luke, their message being: You don’t have to be a Jedi or a phenomenal bad-ass to stand against tyranny, because look at these little guys with primitive technology, they fight, too, and even make a difference. I’m not entirely convinced this was presented effectively. But again, I’ll reserve judgment until later.

As for the climax of the story: Not only does the whole “blow up the Death Star again, just like the first movie” seem like lazy writing, but the whole thing Just. Goes. On. Forever. Lots of nameless people dying in space and then finally stuff blows up. And small things, like Han and Lando having a pointed exchange about not getting the Millennium Falcon damaged, never actually matter later. There must be some principle equivalent to “Chekov’s Gun” for trivial dialogue that seems to set up a later scene, and whatever that’s called, this movie violates it.

So on the whole, I think this is still a B-tier movie, but it has more flaws than Empire and is clearly not as good.

Next Up: Time to go back again…

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Star Wars Holiday Specials Through Non-Fan Eyes

I’m about a third of the way through reviewing the Star Wars movies as a non-Star Wars fan. Since it’s Thanksgiving, the start of the holiday season, and since Wookie Life Day was last week, it seems like a good time to take a break and review the Star Wars Holiday Specials.

Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as it sounds. There are two of them.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

Star Wars Holiday Special (RiffTrax)

Rating: D
RiffTrax Rating: A

I did not see the Holiday Special when it first aired. Or maybe I saw a few minutes while switching channels. I’m not sure. I only know that I didn’t deliberately look for it, because I hadn’t seen Star Wars yet and wasn’t entirely interested.

But I did see the special in a fully-mocked RiffTrax version. I’ve watched it a couple times now, and I’ve tried to interpret what it would be like, as a fan, to eagerly tune in and see … that thing. It’s very bad. Recently, Frank Conniff (I think it was him) mentioned that it almost killed Star Wars, but definitely killed TV variety shows for a couple decades. I saw a number of variety shows before that special aired, and they got worse over time, but I don’t think I’ve seen a variety show done that badly before. And the cartoon in the middle? I know there are some Star Wars fans who claim that’s the only good part of the special, because it introduces Boba Fett, but really, it’s only “good” by comparison. It’s really poorly written and the story makes no sense.

So why have I watched this a couple times? It’s not because I enjoy the cruelty it must have inflicted on the fans. I feel very sorry for what they had to go through. No, I watch the RiffTrax version because the riffing is enormously funny. I saw this for free via a YouTube video someone uploaded without authorization, and then, THEN, I paid for my own copy, so I can have it all to myself. And that copy is now a better video tape transfer than before, so it was worth it.

The tape the RiffTrax crew used includes the commercials that originally ran in one geographical area, which lends a certain additional comic value, as does weird moments in the show itself, such as Chewbacca’s family making futuristic communications on what looks like a TRS-80 Model III. or an Imperial Officer watching Jefferson Starship perform a cheesy '70s song on a video screen.

Favorite lines (only a few of many!):

“Santa’s death armada!”
“It’s a unique idea, watching a farm animal open a present.”
“How come they haven;t made a Pujols candy bar yet?”
“[R2D2] actually said ‘I find Boba Fett’s popularity as inexplicable as Nickelback’s!’”
“It’s like an entire band of Paul Shaffers!”
“This has got to be how the Heaven’s Gate crowd envisioned their final moments going down.”

LEGO Star Wars Holiday Special

Rating: C+

I’ve seen the first LEGO Movie, and the LEGO Batman movie, and enjoyed both, so I was looking forward to the new for 2020 LEGO Star Wars Holiday Special. I figured it might be as good.

First impression: Man, I guess I should have watched everything else, ever, before watching this. It has references to a couple movies I haven’t watched yet.

Second Impression: It’s supposed to be a comedy. Although it’s better than the Star Trek: Lower Decks “comedy”, it reminds me a little of that: not the same rapid short-attention span delivery, but it’s not laugh-out-loud funny, just amusing and in a couple places I did actually chuckle. Certainly, the big battle between Darth Vader and… well, I won’t spoil it. Because although in general I think it’s only C-tier, the extreme fans of Star Wars who are familiar with many corners of the universe will probably enjoy it quite a bit. So, I recommend it to them and to people with kids who like Star Wars. It’s a pretty well-made special, even if only a little better than average.

(And yes, it’s connected to the original holiday special, not only because it’s about Life Day, but also because Chewbacca’s family from the original show up. No Bea Arthur or Harvey Korman, though.)

Next Up: Not completely decided on this yet. I’ll decide by next week.

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Star Wars V Through Non-Fan Eyes

I, someone who’s never been that into Star Wars, have been watching or rewatching all the major movies to give them another chance and try to understand them more. So far, I reviewed Star Wars IV: A New Hope (pretty good,) Rogue One (average,) and Solo (slightly above average.) Now it’s time to rejoin the story of the original trilogy.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

The Empire Strikes Back

Rating: B

In a way, this movie should be better than A New Hope, because it’s not as flippant and breezy as the first, plus Lucas would have a chance to see what didn’t work in the first and could tweak the material to make it better. Part V is certainly more serious and has what feels like a greater level of threat, without being too serious or full of itself. The humor is sprinkled throughout the film to keep it from getting too dark. There’s also moments with greater visual or emotional impact than Rogue One or Solo, making it clearly better than either of those films.

However, the movie starts to drag predictably around the 40 to 50% mark. The scenes sometimes seem to miss cohesiveness in places, making it more obvious that some scenes were added for reasons that had nothing to do with the plot, but more to do with formula and design by committee. And although Han and Leia’s romance was set up in A New Hope and I was expecting it to continue, I thought the dialogue would be better or at least marginally convincing to support it. It feels forced, cliché.

And let’s not forget Yoda. I don’t much like him. It’s true I have a prejudice against obvious muppets in semi-serious movies, but I gave the muppetish aliens in Part IV a pass, so I should give Yoda’s appearance a pass as well, for the same reasons. But Yoda;s character, as written, is just unconvincing as a wise master, and his philosophy doesn’t even pretend to be deep. I don’t feel like Luke learned anything of importance from Yoda that he couldn’t have learned from talking to a couple older ordinary people.

So, although Empire is clearly B-tier, I feel it’s not quite as good as A New Hope. It does leave us with a good cliffhanger, though.

Next Up: Another brief detour, just for fun.

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Solo: A Star Wars Story Through Non-Fan Eyes

So far on my quest to give the Star Wars saga a second chance and attempt to understand why fans love it so much, I’ve reviewed the original movie, then back tracked a little to review Rogue One, which technically happens immediately before A New Hope but works better, or as best as can be expected, when watched immediately after it. And now, I’m doing another flashback before I continue the original trilogy.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

Solo: A Star Wars Story

Rating: C+

I was at first planning to continue on with The Empire Strikes Back, but decided from what little I knew about Solo that I should do it next. This is because the best place to look at Han Solo’s backstory seemed to me to be very soon after he’s introduced and is still fresh in our minds, but before we explore more of his future. Seeing who he once was may shed a light on what he does later.

Whether that worked or not, I’ll decide later, after I’ve watched a few more films.

As far as this film, though, it moves at a pretty good clip for most of the movie, but gets kind of draggy in the middle. In case anyone was wondering, the way I decide how sluggish or tedious a movie is, is to wait until I ask myself “How much more of this do I have to sit through?” This happened for Solo at the 40-minute mark and again at the halfway mark, but didn’t feel that way at all at the 30-minute mark.

What was noticeable at the beginning, though, was that most of the shots were shadowy or hazy. Not a very good look, visually. But even when the film switched to brighter scenes with more color, none of the shots were all that memorable, except maybe the train heist and the Kessel run… and that, unfortunately, didn’t look like space. A very bad thing to happen in a space movie.

On the upside, despite the movie’s focus on lowlifes and antiheroes, it had a bit more humor and spirit in places than Rogue One. It also didn’t seem to have as many awkward references to other Star Wars elements; references were certainly there, but they seem to be worked into the story better and not just fan service. I decided that the high points were more than enough to make up for the draggy bits and so-so visuals, making the movie slightly above average.

Next Up: OK, back to the main story…

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Rogue One Through Non-Fan Eyes

Previously, I reviewed Star Wars IV: A New Hope and decided it was a pretty good movie, even for a non-fan like me. Rather than go in either production order or chronological order, I chose Rogue One as my next film to watch.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Rating: C

The reason why I went to Rogue One before continuing onto the next film in the original trilogy is that this film comes chronologically before A New Hope and probably has more impact if the two are seen close together, rather than with a lot of intervening films. However, I’ve seen it before, and I remember it being on the grimdark, downer side, thematically. It’s better to open on an upbeat, adventurous note with A New Hope and then do a brief rewind to see the sacrifices made before A New Hope begins.

That was a good call, but there was something I didn’t expect. I didn’t remember much detail from the first time I saw Rogue One, but I remember liking it well enough, not really seeing much difference, aside from tone, from the original movie. Based on foggy memories, I was expecting to rate it a B, maybe plus or minus. But rewatching it? Nah, it’s just a very average C movie.

The problems that keep it from rising to the level of “good movie, would recommend” mostly revolve around too much plot clutter and tedious stretches of action. For a good part of the first act, it’s not entirely clear what the movie’s going to be about, who is on the screen, and why we should care. Eventually, we figure out Jyn Erso is the main character, and the story is about reuniting with her father, with the complication that he may be on the side of the Empire, and she’s not sure which side she’s really on.

The problem is, the movie is at least half an hour longer than it needs to be, because it has an overly long, overly complicated final act about getting the Death Star plans. There’s a lot of “Get the thing and put it in the thing so we can do the thing, but these other guys have to get the other thing and move it to the third thing or we can’t do our thing, but when we try to do that, we find out we have to do yet another thing, which means we need a different thing, and then this thing happens…” and so on. It’s all kind of contrived, with way too many characters, most of which we don’t know, but we’re supposed to care about them, and they all have to be there because there needs to be a big fight that’s bigger than the one at the end of the original Star Wars movie or any of the other movies.

It’s movie design by formula, which will only get you so far.

So, although I still disagree with the fans who think this movie is terrible, I can’t agree with other fans that it’s pretty good. It’s just average. If you need a steady fix of Star Wars, this will do it for you, but it’s nothing you need to see.

Next Up: I still don’t go where you’d expect.

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Star Wars IV Through Non-Fan Eyes

Now that I’m done with the Marvel Cinematic Universe reviews (except for a few more surprises…) it’s time to move on. A while ago, I promised I would give the Star Wars series another go, and give it a fair chance this time.

I was never a Star Wars fan, and skipped several of the movies for this reason. However, I realize how huge the series is for many people, and I want to give it more attention, watching it alone without distractions, in an attempt to see what makes it feel special. I also want to watch the movies that the fans don’t love all that much, as a non-fan, to see if they are really so bad.

So I’m going through it one movie at a time, in a somewhat unusual order I think will work best. I decided that I’m not going to go in either chronological order or production order, and certainly not machete order, skipping the supposed “bad” films. All the live-action theatrical films will get their chance, and I’m going with a modified production order with some movies shuffled to other locations based on how I think they will affect the way the sequence feels.

Full explanation of my ranking system is here. Summary: C is average, A/B is recommended, D is badly made, F is something to avoid.

I’m starting with…

Star Wars IV: A New Hope

Rating: B+

When I first saw this, I thought “OK, reasonably good movie. Didn’t hate it.” I might have given it a C+ back then: not something I’d pay for to watch alone, but entertaining enough and maybe fun to watch with friends.

Watching it again, alone, and focusing on how it’s made and its emotional impact, I think it’s a better movie than I gave it credit. I don’t think it’s an A-tier movie, because in a way it’s too breezy, not really dwelling for long on anything or exploring what the characters feel, although there is a brief emotional moment or two. It’s at least B-tier, though, a movie worth recommending. It moves at a pretty steady pace with just tiny moments where the pace changes for effect.

I gave the movie a B+ instead of just a B because I recognize how influential this movie turned out to be. It should get a slightly stronger recommendation. I considered marking the grade down because I don’t like the design of some of the aliens, mainly in the cantina scene. I decided that (1) That’s a personal preference, not inherently bad, and (2) It happens only in a few short scenes.

(I did see the film before Lucas went back and digitally enhanced it, but watching it now, I’m actually OK with the CGI Jabba. I know that’s an unpopular opinion, but I imagine I’ll have a few unpopular opinions as I work through the series.)

Side Note 1: I was surprised that Darth Vader turned out not to be the main threat in the film. I tried not to think about what I know about the rest of Star Wars, but I still had this impression of Vader as the person in charge, the hand of the Emperor himself. But no, he’s not in charge, just a really powerful subordinate. He didn’t design the Death Star, doesn’t seem to have a high opinion of its usefulness, didn’t order the destruction of Alderaan, and seems a tad reluctant when carrying out some of Peter Cushing’s plans.

Side Note 2: At one point, Vader says Obi-Wan doesn’t plan to escape. Ironically, that was his original plan. Obi-Wan has no idea that Leia is on board or that Luke decides to save her. He doesn’t change his plan until after he disables the tractor beam and encounters Vader.

Side Note 3: I know Stormtroopers are the butt of many jokes because of their marksmanship, but really, in this movie, the heroes are hardly any better. They hit a tiny bit more, but not much.

Next Up: I’m heading a different direction than you’d expect.

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